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SAD, CONFUSED, HURT, BUT BLESSED

I realize I haven't blogged in awhile and everytime I start to I dont really know what to say. I guess you could say the realization of Chris' death has caused alot of emotions for me. Alot that I haven't ever dealt with before. But I received my second grief book from Peggy (one of my Moms friends is sending me books about grief, you get a total of four within the 1st year)and in reading it I realize that I guess I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. Evidently other people feel the same way.

It just seemed that it should get better but it hasn't. I feel like someone has taken and cut out half of my heart. I can just be doing anything and I think about him and get so SAD that I can't breathe. I miss him more than anyone could ever imagine. He was a part of me that isn't here anymore, he was my baby, he would call me and make me laugh, alot of times he would make me mad, but there was never a day that I didn't love him and he didn't love me. We had a special relationship and alot of people didn't understand it, but we did. I didn't agree with alot of things he did but he knew that I loved him no matter what.

I've really been confused because I thought it would get better quicker then this. I though each day it would get easier but it hasn't. Infact for no reason some days are so hard that I don't know if I will make it, but I do.

I have been through alot in my life but nothing compares to the hurt that I have felt in losing Chris. Being his Mom I just think about all the stuff he will miss, seeing his children grow up, and his nephews and niece, etc.

I hope that anyone who knows me knows I am not a crybaby, but I have shed more tears in the last three and a half months than I think I have in my entire life.

But I know with Gods help I will get through this. I am blessed with so many good memories of Chris, and all of my family and friends that I love very much and appreciate. God blesses me every day by reminding me that my Son is with him and we have our very own special angel. Knowing that is how I know I'll get better.

Sorry but for some reason I had to write all of this down so maybe I can go forward.
As I have said many times I hope none of you ever have to go through what Me and alot of other parents are having to deal with by losing a child.

God bless each and everyone of you.

TODAY

Okay, Stephanie has been fussing at me for not blogging so knowing my daughter like I do, that meant she was blogging. So this is my take on her RANT post. Incase you want to read it,look over to the right and see her blog steph overloaded.

This is what I have learned within the last several months and have really been trying to live my life this way.

1)You need to wake up every morning thanking God for your life praying to him to be with you all day and help you throughout the day. (My problem is my mouth, so he has to work overtime with me on that) But I am getting better, most days anyway.

2) Notice everything around you that is beautiful. The flowers, mountains (my Mom taught me that), your children (even though sometimes you want to throw them out of the car :) All of these things are precious, love them while you can.

3) No matter how busy you are you need to take time to do something you enjoy. I have found if you do this you enjoy life more.

4) God gave everyone on this earth a purpose. Find out what his purpose for you is and do it. If you don't that will be one of the most important things you will miss in life.

5) Don't stay mad at anyone. Of course everyone is going to get mad, but life is short, get over it. If you are the one who made someone mad, sincerely apologize, learn by your mistake, move on. If you are important to them they will forgive you. If they don't there is NOTHING else you can do. God has people come through our life for reasons and maybe that particular friend isn't meant to stay your friend. So just pray about it and God will help you heal.

6) I have learned that God loves us and because he does he allows us to go through valleys. If you will keep him close and seek his advice then when you get through the valley you will be closer to him and stronger in your faith.

7) Love and appreciate your family. Its so easy in these busy days to forget how important our family is to us. Starting today let them know how much you love them and how much you appreciate them. Believe me, they are your heart.............

8) Love and appreciate your friends. They are very important too. I have some friends that I consider family and they know who they are. Love them to pieces....
Of course all of your friends are not going to be that way. Alot of friends come and go but the important ones left a place in your heart that will always be there.
I have learned in my life it doesn't matter the amount of friends you have especially if you have that one who would do anything for you, always be there for you, listens when noone else will, cries when you cry, etc. Thats what is important.

9} When you get down and depressed, look around, if you look far enough you will find someone with alot more problems then you. I have found when I start thinking on myself (I think well this isn't fair, why should I have to do this, or deal with this, )or blah blah blah.... so you know what I do!!!! Think about someone other then myself, Thank God that I am able to do the things I can do. If you get depressed about something, other than death or etc. do me a favor. Think, am I thinking about what I am having to go through? my life is crappy? 99% of depression is when you concentrate more on YOU then other people. So don't go spend tons of money trying to find out what is wrong with you, just focus on someone other then YOU.

10) Last but most important (I know Stephanie is thinking right now, why did I tell her to blog :) Make God your Lord and FRIEND, go to him everyday, talk with him, tell him all the mistakes you made that day, how you feel about stuff, etc. (He already knows anyway) He loves us to talk to him, to share with him our day, all day. He loves us and he wants to help, all we have to do is ask. It is very important starting NOW to get closer and closer to God. Because one day you are going to wake up and someone you love is going to die. If you are not very close to God I would hate to imagine how you will feel. Because God put me through some difficult times several months before Chris died so I was and still am very close to him. (and I love him so very much for that) The pain and heartache is so great I can't imagine having to deal with it without God.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you don't pay attention to anything in this blog, pay attention to this. This is the most important thing I could ever say to you. If God isn't in your life, pray and confess that you want him to be. If you don't feel the closeness of God, ask and you shall receive. He will be there for you, he hasn't left, you have.

The reality, everyone dies. Some die young and some die old. Noone knows when they are going to die so please be prepared. Put God in your life, make him your friend and Saviour. Because there is only one place you will go, thats Heaven or Hell.

I love everyone, hope this hasn't been to long. I want to say if I have ever said anything that hurt anyones feelings, made someone mad or anything else, I apologize.
Also, please continue to pray for us, it really helps.

P.S. Chris, I love you and miss you with all my heart

LOVED

I try to put something uplifting on my titles because I don't want anyone to think I am a depressed person, etc. So I put "LOVED" as my title because that is so true.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize how loved you are. Its been unbelievable how many cards we have received during this time, phone calls, etc. I want each and everyone of you to know how much it means to us.

It will be three weeks tomorrow that Chris died but it seems like forever ago. It is so hard to try to write how I feel, so I will tell you instead some of the things I have learned.


The first and foremost, is love and live for the Lord. Without him I could have never made it through this tragedy. He holds you up when you need it and stands beside you through every minute of everyday. Praise him with ALL of your heart and he will never leave you.

Never take life for grant. I know you have heard this many times before but take it from me it is soooo TRUE.

Never leave without telling the people you love that you love them. You may not have a second chance.

Love your children with everything you have. Even when they are on your last nerve enjoy them because one day you may not have them.

Don't stay mad at anyone. Staying mad just makes you lose your joy and nothing is worth that. Forgive and go on.

Learn to forgive others like God forgives us. Once you do this you are not always thinking about what people have done to you. You are more concerned about what you can do for people.

Live life like there is no tomorrow. In saying this I don't mean go out party, get drunk and live it up. I mean live life everyday with no regrets. Do things with your family, don't put stuff off. Don't stay mad. Help as many as you can. Go the places you want to go.

Appreciate your friends. I have very special friends that God has sent me through the years and I don't know what I would do without them. Some I haven't seen in a long time but that doesn't mean that I don't still love them and remember how they made my life happier in some way. Then I have my friends now that I have no idea what I would do without. They are like family and I love them very much.

Last but the most important. Spend time with God daily. Read his word, talk with him, love him with all of your heart. If you do this you will be happier then the richest man. He gives you peace, joy, understanding, love and anything else you need. He will never leave you. Ask him what to do and WAIT on the Lord to answer.

Please continue to pray for us. We could not have made it without all the prayers.

I want everyone to know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I am so very proud of my children and love them with all my heart.

MEMORIES

Today is July 4th and the first holiday I have to live through without Chris. People say holidays are some of the hardest days to go through and I believe they are right. But with Gods help my family and I are going to try to make the best of it because we know that is what Chris would have wanted.

He loved life, sometimes to much :) He loved children and sometimes I wondered who was having the most fun, the kids or CHRIS. When he wasn't fighting his demons, he was one of the sweetest people I know. He loved to stay busy if he wasn't he was bored. I can remember when he was younger he would get one of his friends to ride the bus home with him and they would spend the entire weekend at our house. I would take them home on Sunday afternoon and as soon as they got out of the car he would say "I am bored".

On another note, this is a text message he sent me on April 28, 2008. I had forgotten about it and was asking the Lord to give me something to let me know that he was in heaven. I knew he was because the Lord had already told me but being the human I am I had to know one more time. I prayed and prayed about it and one morning something told me to go to the text message he had sent. This was the message:

Psalm 73:26

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart, he is mine forever.

That tells me everything I need to know. The Lord is wonderful and I can't imagine anyone having to go through this without him.

MY LOVE FOR GOD

On June 2, 2008 I started out every morning talking with the Lord. I say a prayer, then do my bible lesson and after I finish I write down my thoughts and almost always write a prayer, then place whatever I write behind the bible lesson. I haven't actually gone back and read any of them.

Since Chris died I haven't done this simply because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything, so I have been praying. One day I tried to start my bible lesson and still couldn't concentrate but I saw the back page of the last thing I wrote. This is what I wrote the day before Chris died. I'm not sure why I am putting it here other than God told me to.


6/20/08

The Power of a Personal Relationship with God, how wonderful is that.

I just can't begin to describe my relationship with God. It was the one smartest thing I have ever done. He gives me love, hope, blessings, peace, calmness, satisfaction, sincerity-fulfilness, I could go on and on.

His love is like no other. His promises are never broken.

I pray that my entire family and friends come to realize that he is the one most important thing that will come into your life, if you invite him in. I pray that you keep my family and friends safe and keep your arms around them. I give a special prayer for Chris and hope he is praying to get back where he should be and that he is safe. Continue to deal with him in the way you know will be best.

In Jesus name, I pray.



I asked God to do what he knew was best and he did. I couldn't have possibly known the outcome, but it's not for me to understand. I know that God's way is perfect. And no matter how much I miss him and my heart aches, I thank God for taking care of my baby.

I love you Chris with all my heart and I know that you know that, there is no doubt in my mind.